Miscarriage

10 weeks ago I had a miscarriage. 

I will start from the very beginning...

I have had one healthy pregnancy that gave us a healthy and beautiful little girl who just turned 3.

About 8 weeks after she was born we found out that a piece of placenta was left inside my uterus (another story I can share later). I don't understand how it was missed for so long and how I didn't get an infection. But it happened. Since then I have had 4 surgeries, all happening in the last 2.5 years. Yeah, that is a lot. It was hard and exhausting but necessary. Two of the surgeries were to scrape out pieces of retained placenta, which by that point had actually calcified into my endometrium. So that meant another 2 surgeries to cut out the pieces of calcified placenta and to cut out scarring that had been caused by all the scraping. Even today there are still 3 tiny calcifications in my endometrium.

Throughout this time, I was diagnosed with Ashermans (scarring in my uterus) which seems scary when you google it, but we still felt hopeful. We knew we were doing everything we could to eventually have another baby. So after my last surgery I had an appointment with my doctor and she gave us the go ahead to try for a baby for a timeline of 3 months! This was awesome news! That meant my uterus was in good enough shape and that I just might be able to get pregnant. She said if we didn't get pregnant within those 3 months then I would have to get another surgery. Talk about pressure!

 After two months I wasn't pregnant, I was feeling the pressure, and ready to give up. I didn't want to keep "trying". It began to feel like a job and it can be exhausting. I was tempted to just call my doctor and get the surgery and not try the third month. But Michael convinced me otherwise. And reminded me that our plan was to try for 3 months and to keep pushing through. So we kept going. And I got pregnant!! Of course we were elated and excited. Such an answer to prayer. After two long years of surgeries and wondering if a second baby was even possible we will get the happy ending we imagined. I felt so grateful to be pregnant and constantly thanked God for giving me this baby. 

Around 4-4.5 weeks I had blood work done and my HCG levels were rising exactly like they should. For those of you that love details- at 4 weeks HCG 312, 4 weeks 2 days HCG 704, 5 weeks 2 days HCG 5370. This is a great sign that the pregnancy is progressing like normal. We were so excited and so thankful. I got the baby center app to follow the pregnancy, I bought Sawyer a big sister shirt to wear when we announced it publicly, and we continued telling close friends and family our exciting news.

I had an ultrasound at 6 weeks. We saw the sac, the yolk sac, and the fetal pole (aka the baby) all in my uterus and not in my fallopian tube. I felt comforted knowing everything was progressing like it should be and we pressed on. We had a second ultrasound a week later and we saw the baby's heartbeat. Such an amazing thing to know there was a baby inside me with a beating heart. It's such a mind-blowing miracle.

At this point I had multiple early pregnancy symptoms...tired, BLOATED, nausea, boobs hurt, and I was SO HOT while sleeping. All of these things aren't fun, but I found comfort in them. 

At my next appointment I was 8 weeks 4 days pregnant and my biggest fear came true. The one horrible thing you imagine happening, but try to quickly push out of your mind because you can't bare the thought. Our baby didn't have a heartbeat anymore. The ultrasound showed the baby had stopped growing around 7 weeks. So I had what is called a  "missed miscarriage". My body continued acting like it was pregnant even though our baby had died. Symptoms and all.

The doctor was kind, gentle and sensitive. She gave me my options, which were to take a pill to stimulate my body to miscarry, or to get a D&C. We chose the D&C. One of the reasons we chose the D&C was because we would be able to find out if there were chromosomal abnormalities with the baby or if my uterus wasn't a good "home". With the information from the testing we would also know what our next steps would need to be (another post about that to come soon). So, a D&C was scheduled for the very next day.

Within less than 24 hours of finding out the news of our baby, I wasn't pregnant anymore. My womb was empty but I still had ALL the symptoms of being pregnant. That part felt so cruel. Couldn't all the symptoms just go away right after the D&C?!? No, unfortunately that is not how it works. I felt like I was watching my life from afar. Was this really my life?? Just a day before I was imagining Sawyer a big sister, who the baby would look like, thinking about the nursery, wondering how to be a parent of two, and looking at baby names. And now we are coping with taking care of a toddler and grieving a baby we so terribly wanted. 

I had a miscarriage. This is now a part of my story. I am heartbroken and sad. In disbelief. I don't understand. I know the days ahead will ebb and flow. There will be moments of sadness and grief and then times of peace and laughter. I know God has a plan. I know He is with me. I know I can trust Him. I know He cares. I don't understand, but He does. He goes before me. He is on my side. And He is always here.